I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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