I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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