I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
