I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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