Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Randomize
