fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we're making bets on your personal life
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
