This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
