I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
