Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
