How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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