i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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