Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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