I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I showed him my bush... on skype.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
