You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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