hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my being single is dangerous.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
