On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
