woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize