My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
