I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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