just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
no, he came in my armpit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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