Screwed.edu
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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