Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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