A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
