Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
