everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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