your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
