I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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