These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
