What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
this just has baby written all over it
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
