Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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