I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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