tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
