so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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