I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
