You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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