On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
