my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
