I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
