dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
