hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
