My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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