Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
