i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
