A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
