The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
