This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
