When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
