OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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