I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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