So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
