What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
