Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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