u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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