He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
