woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
