they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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