All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
