I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
