A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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