for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
