im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
