The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize