First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
