forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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