I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
