I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
