I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
