God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
