at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
