The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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