"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I intend to get homeless drunk
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
